The Culture Fix

In 2006 three Mormon missionaries held a photo op at a Catholic shrine on a mesa above San Luis, Colorado, in which they struck various poses simulating preaching from the Book of Mormon, sacrificing on the altar, and above, holding the recently removed head of a martyr. Apparently, one or more of these "Elders" thought it was a good idea to share these shots on photobucket.com. Last week the wrong person found them.

In the 100+ news articles that followed (the Deseret News, Salt Lake Tribune, and Pueblo Chieftain all cover this pretty well) the Mormon Church and at least one former missionary has apologized and one missionary sent home early from his mission which, in case you weren't aware, is every Mormon parent's worst nightmare.

This controversy is protracted by each church's apologists/antagonists in blogdom and, with no end in sight, leave it to this lukewarm Anglican to show you the path to peace (and take a not so subtle swipe at the religious right). Always with an eye on the cultural slant, here is what you have in common:

Salt Lake City
Prophet, Seer, and Revelator
Unimaginable church wealth
Women denied Priesthood
Really big families
Anti-gay political action
"The True Church"
Mountain Meadows Massacre
Nauvoo Legion

Rome
Pope
Unimaginable church wealth
Women denied Priesthood
Really big families
Anti-gay political action
"The True Church"
The Inquisition
Opus Dei

You people can't get along why?

Utah leads the nation in serious psychological distress again this year, perhaps explaining why our own Senator Hatch is so beholden to the big pharmaceuticals.

I suggest a local, more holistic approach to coping with life behind the Zion curtain, one that is crafted by experts who truly feel your pain.

On most days I pick up the Salt Lake Tribune in much the same way as I pick up dog poop in my yard: Holding my breath, eyes averted, and body tensed, all in a conditioned reflex to the usual gut-wrenching complications associated with such a task. Occasionally I'll spy an offending mass from across the yard and trudge over only to discover it is a leaf or a stick. My body relaxes, breath returns, and I pause for a moment to savor my good fortune.

A quick scan of the Trib this morning revealed two signs that the cultural evolution of this state occasionally moves forward.

Exhibit A - Mormons for Obama. I realize it's only one person and that for every Obama vote Huckabee, McCain, and Paul will receive 100. Eisenhower will probably get more write in votes in Utah. Still, Mormons for Obama? That's news, man.

Exhibit B - State Senator Chris Buttars, of "This baby is black, I'll tell you. It's a dark, ugly thing" fame was stripped of his Chairmanship of the Senate Judicial Conformation Panel. No official reason was given, presumably because there were too many to choose from. Unfortunately he hails from a district that would happily elect David Duke to the office if he would only accept the Restored Gospel®. Buttars' senate seat remains secure.

So I'm skipping along thinking that I might get through the paper without incident when I stumbled barefoot into a festering mound of Great Dane excreta:

Governor Offers Deal to Lawmakers Over Alcopops. I cannot find the words to adequately describe the sheer insanity of those who rule this fair state so you will have to read the article for yourself. You might want to pour 2.75 ounces of your favorite adult beverage before doing so.

As for me, I'm off to the shower.

Not wanting to be outdone by Saudi Arabia's recent ban on red things, the ruling Patriarchy sent the Mormon Mutaween into Spencer's Gifts at Layton Hills Mall armed with a warrant to seize anything "depicting nudity, sexual conduct, or sexual excitement." While acknowledging that the national chain wasn't selling anything illegal, they did say the store failed to "verify shopper's ages" and that "sexually oriented merchandise was in plain view." The haul? Sexy candy.

After a tough week in which Romney capitulated and the Mormon Tabernacle Choir was snubbed at the Grammy's, the Kingdom of Zion has retaliated by attempting to remove malt beverages from grocery stores, prohibit restaurants from serving Long Island Iced Teas, slandered African-American babies, and rebuffed an attempt by Salt Lake City to establish a domestic partner registry for health insurance purposes.

One has to but to pick up a newspaper here on any given day to get their culture fix on. Though there is much to rant and rail about, Utah does have four distinct seasons, mountains galore, and some of the best fly fishing in the lower 48. Oddly enough, there are also a few microbreweries in the state that are perennial medal winners at the Great American Beer Festival in Denver, Colorado.

As I watch the snow plow bury the entrance to my driveway for the twenty-somethingth time this winter I am reminded that it is not so much where you reside, but where you are able to escape to.

Five days to Cabo.

Back in the day when I shared an apartment in SF's Chinatown with a heroin addict and a sailor one of my favorite day trips was catching the BART to Berkeley for a stroll down Telegraph Avenue and grabbing a slice of Blondie's Pizza. Berkeley hasn't changed much in my lifetime, and while I wasn't fortunate to attend college there I did like to take in the weirdness from time to time. It is a different brand of weirdness than, say, Utah, but it was every bit as unique.

It seems that the City of Berkeley passed some sort of amendment inviting its citizens to gather and protest at the Marine Corps recruiting office, being that the Marines are warmongers and babykillers and all. Good fun, except free speech in these dark times does not include disparaging the military, this despite the fact that this administration hasn't exactly been good to them.

Enter the wingnuts from the GOP. They want to introduce legislation, the Semper Fi act, which would stop $2 million in federal tax subsidies for Berkeley and instead transfer it to the Marine Corps. Utah's own Priesthood delegate to the U.S. Congress, Chris Cannon, happily signed on and was immediately called to task by the Salt Lake Trib's Paul Rolly.

Though it's only 728 miles between Temple Square in Salt Lake City and downtown Berkeley, they might as well be on opposite sides of the galaxy. If you're looking for something more exotic in the way of a culture fix, flip a coin for either one.

Now that the testimony meeting...er...press conference is over the citizens can go back to doing the Lord's work. Meanwhile God, in His wrath, made it snow again.

I'm worried about the spiritual welfare of this state's Mormon population after yesterdays primary election. It seems a few sheep strayed from the flock and cast votes for...gasp...gentiles. The Trib blog Salt Lake Crawler tells in which counties The Adversary has taken up residence.

In what will surely be the kiss of death to the best candidate remaining, I'm off to the polls to participate in that ol' democracy thing. I haven't fared well in recent elections and, sadly, neither has my country.

Good luck Senator.

16.2 Inches of new snow in the last 24 hours. They told me this was a desert!

Let me state now, for the record, that it is extremely unwise to drink four pints of this and five (I think) shots of that. Oh Jesus.